TALES FROM THE CRIP … I’ve used marijuana, both medically and recreationally, for most of my adult life. I’m not wild about Mr. Booze, as twenty years of tending bar taught me that nice people will do stupid shit when they are drunk. Cocaine is expensive (though it does smell good), and any drug named […]

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TALES FROM THE CRIP …

I’ve used marijuana, both medically and recreationally, for most of my adult life. I’m not wild about Mr. Booze, as twenty years of tending bar taught me that nice people will do stupid shit when they are drunk. Cocaine is expensive (though it does smell good), and any drug named for randomly-grouped letters will doubtlessly result in heartbreak. Fuzzy, fuzzy heartbreak.

During a recent visit to local medical dispensary The Source, I was gob-smacked (as I tend to be) by the sheer volume of marijuana products available to me. I like to consider myself well educated when it comes to matters marijuana-related, but even an old sweat like me can feel quickly overwhelmed when trying to choose something tasty from such a vast array of product.

Be you virgin or veteran, the world of marijuana has changed, dude! The days of “copping a sack” from some shaky-looking burnout (usually named “Ted” or “Bill”) are well over, at least for those of us in Nevada, California, Washington, Oregon, Colorado and (I’m told) North Korea. So really, all that any of us need to do in order to access the Brave New World of pleasure and relaxation is to just jump right in and start smoking/vaping/eating/suppository-ing whatever we can get our hands on …because reckless abandon turns out SO well SO often for SO many people!

The secret to being a successful marijuana user, Dear Reader, is the same as the secret to building a successful house. “But Pete, I’m neither a carpenter nor architect—my dog built his own house just to spite me!” Well, hateful dog notwithstanding, if you WERE to build a house, how might you proceed? Would you grab some lumber and just start nailing shit together and hope that the result looked…house-y? THAT will go over well with your mother-in-law, who will proceed to wonder aloud why you cannot provide a decent home for her grandbabies—you don’t need to hear that bullshit, believe me.

Therefore, the plan is…to make A Plan! Failing to plan is planning to fail, after all, and we can’t have that—amateur hour ended at 6. You have some decisions to make, Dear Reader, and making those decisions before your dispensary visit will make a freaking joyful experience even better AND get you the most bang for your buck. The PITY is that there exists no such tool that would handle the heavy lifting which INVARIABLY accompanies this type of planning…some kind of INTERconnected NETwork where we could do personal marijuana research while looking at naked pictures of Bea Arthur and Abe Vigoda (but not them together—that’d be weird).

Much like the journey of 1,000 miles beginning with but a single step, you should allow your circumstance to dictate your Plan. Are you a medical patient looking for some class of symptom relief? Are you a veteran of the marijuana wars, or are you a recent inductee to the Green Army? Importantly, what is your budget? Just to get you started, here are a few basic options to consider:

Indica/Sativa/Hybrid/CBD: Indica will stall you out, sativa will relax and stimulate you (it can also FREAK YOU OUT if you over-imbibe), and hybrid tries (TRIES!) to play God and create the marijuana Master Race. Medically, indica helps with muscle spasms and insomnia, sativa with anxiety and appetite stimulation, and CBD is a POTENT anti-inflammatory compound. Perhaps we’ll discuss CBD further in a future article, as its implications are absolutely staggering.

Flower/Concentrates/Edibles: Flower generally requires less equipment for consumption than do concentrates, but concentrates create less odor and attention when being consumed. Edibles are great if you are patient enough to wait for them to kick in (one to two hours), but the variables involved in the digestive process alone make edibles too complicated for a dumbass like me to dose appropriately.

What is my process when I need to reload? I use two different websites to frame my trip to market. Weedmaps tells me what products are held by which local dispensaries and what prices I can expect to pay; it is like Yelp for marijuana dispensaries, offering reviews, specials and store policies. Leafly is all about consumer marijuana information, offering everything from strain information, new product reviews, medical information…suffice it to say that this is among my top-five favorite websites.

When you enter your favorite dispensary with a shopping list already prepared, you are much less likely to overspend or under-purchase—my last name is neither Cuban, Gates nor Dogg, so maintaining a budget is an important part of My World. Different dispensaries offer reward programs, pre-ordering options and whatnot, so AGAIN, do your homework before you set out.

One last thought: while it IS legal to possess and consume marijuana in some states, please don’t be a butthole about it. Don’t drive around passing da blunt, don’t leave it where your kids can get into it. If you have legal marijuana, then you are at least 21 years old and are hopefully smart enough to avoid jamming yourself and/or others up. Put another way: DUDE! DON’T FUCK THIS UP FOR US!

#FuckMS

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